my story
I was in Mexico.
On a whale retreat.
Just after my final surgery.
And deep down, I already knew.
I had left too soon.
I should have rested.
Simply at home. In Belgium.
But I was there.
Because I didn’t want to give up.
I didn’t want to admit that I couldn’t do it.
Every day, we went out on the boat.
With people I didn’t feel connected to.
Packed together with eight people.
No toilet.
Barely any space.
A small fishing boat.
And all I could think was: why am I doing this?
I didn’t want to talk.
I didn’t want to connect.
I simply couldn’t.
The only thing I truly felt something for
were the dolphins.
And the whales.
The ones we saw every day.
They didn’t want anything from me.
I didn’t have to prove myself.
They didn’t ask anything of me.
They simply were.
But inside me… there was mostly pain.
Physical pain.
And everything I was still carrying from before.
There was really only one thing I wanted.
To be there…
with her.
We were supposed to do this together.
Not me there.
And her at home.
It didn’t feel right.
On the final day, I didn’t go out on the boat anymore.
I went for a walk instead.
Along the nearby beach.
A lot of wind.
High waves.
As if everything needed to be washed away.
In my left pocket were three green crystal stones
that we had received on the first day of the whale retreat.
I was done.
Done with the pain.
Done with the struggle.
Done with everything I was still carrying.
And I shouted:
“Please take it away.”
I threw one of the stones into the sea.
As far as I could.
And I kept walking.
After a while, I turned back.
And to this day, I still cannot believe what I saw.
Very few people believe me.
In that exact same place, a whale was swimming.
Just ten metres from the shore, it surfaced.
I was standing there with two other people.
And we said nothing.
We simply watched.
There were no words for this.
And the tears started flowing.
To this day, that moment still feels like magic.
As if that whale came to take something from me.
Something I could no longer carry myself.
I still often wonder what the lesson of that journey was.
Why I needed to be there.
Maybe it wasn’t to prove that I could do things on my own.
Because I already knew I could.
Maybe it was the opposite.
Maybe it was to realise that I shouldn’t have had to do everything alone.
That sometimes you make choices
that don’t truly align with you.
That you keep going.
Because you think you have to.
While deep down, what you really need is…
someone.
What I felt most strongly there
was not only the magic.
But the absence.
The missing.
And that is something that stays with you.
I missed someone.
I was in pain.
And I had chosen that path myself.
And yet…
when I think back on it,
there is one feeling that remains.
That I want to return there someday.
Not alone.
But together.
Because it was…
real magic.
And I know…
If she were standing beside me,
she would love it.
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